take all they need
but sometimes it takes a little more
to survive because the strong do tire, sometimes.
One of my strengths is that I push hard, relentlessly. Be it my students or myself, if it's one thing I know I'm good at, it's being tenacious as hell.
But I have come to realize, that my relentless attitude and work ethic is also my weakness, as I have been stricken by my own lack of self-care.
You see, I haven't been so strong lately.
I actually went down on one knee, drove me to tears, on the onset of my fears -- the unknown. Anxiety. Panic.
The story.
This past Wednesday and Thursday, March 5th and 6th, 2008, last week, I was absent in my classroom at San Lorenzo High School, and absent for my methods and technology classes.
It was, in very few words, uncharacteristic of me.
Characteristic is my continuity.
I missed but one class during the summer semester, and only one class during the fall semester. I had only missed one day of teaching to sickness last semester as well, and have taken much pride in being relatively healthy these past eight months, until last week...
On the morning of March 5th, at around 5am, I woke up in my East Oakland apartment feeling nervous, with my heart beating a bit faster than normal, and my breathing, quick and constant. I felt panic and anxiety and vowed to lay off the caffeine for the day, having felt this way the past Friday night as well...the anxiety taking over, I have not felt in over five years, and I was a mess.
Three hours later, time found me in Berkeley, picking up Tam in the morning was the daily routine. We carpool to San Lorenzo High School from Monday to Friday. I felt nervous the whole drive through, and now I began making frantic calls for help. Mom.
Mom. I'm messed up. I have heavy heart palpitations. I'm having trouble breathing.
John, go to a hospital.
Mom. I'm okay.
I'll call your Auntie Marissa. Don't go to work. Don't go to class. Can you drive?
Yes I can.
I'll call Auntie. She'll talk to Uncle Nar. See your Uncle Nar at their clinic.
Okay Mom.
Drive straight to Union City, okay?
Okay Mom.
I love you.
I love you too.
On our way to San Lorenzo High School, racing through the 880 freeway, I had felt a disturbing feeling in my body. My chest felt heavy, my heart felt like it was racing too quickly. My breathing was labored, and my muscles tensed up. My throat felt like it was choking inward. I was struggling not to panic, and had resolved to go straight to the hospital after I dropped Tam off at SLz. I asked Tam to let Ms. Souza know that I wasn't showing up today. He relayed the news to my Cooperating Teacher that morning as I raced down south, panicking. Crying. I drove off to Union City to my uncle's clinic, where he and my auntie (his wife, my mom's younger sister) would check my blood pressure, give me some tranquilizer, and contact a cardiologist.
After calming down for a good hour and a half on the examination table, my auntie drove me down to Washington Hospital in Fremont, where I was seen by the cardiologist. I was evaluated, took a blood test, and was scheduled for a few more tests over the next few weeks. I was prescribed medication that would slow me down, and I received it with thanks...as I had to realize that I needed pause.
I had to slow down.
...and I slowed down.
I will speed up. Yes, I will soon...but not now.
Best not to rely on my weaknesses, if I want to become strong once more.
I'm rested. It's time to stand up and go again. Not too hard, just enough. Until I'm ready.
Ready to Fight again.
But with caution.
If I want to even be ready to showcase my strengths for the PACT, I had better be healthy first. That is the long and short of it.
On a personal note...
Lord, keep me strong so I can make others stronger. Amen.
